Ah, instant messaging. A world where anything can happen and I can go on incredibly random yet quite hilarious tangents that make for great blog posts. While I know this will likely bore many of you, I can’t let this conversation remain in chat logs forever! Let’s flashback to last night, shall we?

[ripples and harp sound effect]

Dave: You know me.

Kat: Executive director of pop culture content at Bitwire. Very obsessed with David Bowie, and engaged with Dave (that’s me) at the moment in a fascinating discussion about how David Bowie’s eyes are not two different colors, they only appear that way due to an optical illusion formed by a permanently dilated pupil. Kat was disappointed to learn this, as she happens to have two differently colored eyes, a possible connection to Bowie.

The chat that is shown below is a direct result of me being in an interesting mood and also very tired (this took place rather late at night.) Enjoy.

Kat: When I meet him I’m asking him if his eyes are different colors and if he says yes, I’ll seriously be really happy.

Me: I just called him. He said that his eyes aren’t two colors

Kat: Alright, what’s his phone number?

Me: I can’t tell you! Who knows who you’d give it out to! Plus, you couldn’t reach him anyway.

Kat: Me, myself and I. And why not?

Me: It’s blocked to everyone but me and his mom.

Kat: Not his wife?

Me: Nope. He has a dedicated cell phone for his wife. A bedazzled Blackberry Bold

Kat: Who’s his wife? Don’t google!

Me: Iman

Kat: You googled it! Otherwise you’d have guessed some normal name like Sharon

Me: Well, actually, her real name is Jen.

Kat: No it’s not

Me: Yes it is! But they say Iman to the public. Otherwise you could look them up in the phone book

Kat: …Iman Abdulmajid=Jen?

Me: Nobody’s going to call Jen when they’re looking for an Iman

Kat: Except ME. And he lives in an apartment in central Manhattan.

Me: Nope.

Kat: Yes he does

Me: Uptown Manhattan. The central Manhattan apartment is just storage. They store their spices there. Jen’s a big spice fan.

Kat: Wait, spices?

Me: Basil, Thyme, the works.

Kat: Really now. So I heard he lives a block from the W New York hotel- From a reliable source.

Me: He actually has a room IN the hotel

Kat: Nooo, he does not. That’s where I stay and if he did my David Bowie Detector [C] would go off.

Me: Know how the elevator has no 13th floor?

Kat: It does too, the 13th floor is just listed as the 14th

Me: Nope. The 14th floor is just listed as the 14th. They just don’t list the 13th floor. David Bowie lives there. You don’t think they want all these crazy Kats knocking on David and Jen’s door, now do you?

Kat: So what about all the hotels around the world that don’t list the 13th floor? Who lives there? Or are they vacation homes?

Me: Nobody. They just don’t list the 13th floor, simply so people don’t come looking for David Bowie. Sawing holes in the floor in the W NY hotel, trying to drop into his suite

Kat: …Wait, wouldn’t he want to stay in the presidential suite there? Because I’ve totally been there, it’s unoccupied. Barack Obama stayed there when he was running.

Me: Psh. The PRESIDENTIAL suite? For David BOWIE?

Kat: …Er, yes. What, he gets the QUEEN’S suite?

Me: That’s like a cardboard box compared to the DJ (David and Jen) suite. The BATHROOM of the DJ suite is a palace compared to the POPE’S entire suite.

9:23:19 PM Kat: The pope has a suite?

9:23:21 PM Me: Of course! He has one in every shopping mall of America. In the sweets shop.

Kat: How do you know all this Dave? Wait, what?

Me: I’m in on this stuff…. what can I say? If you pull off the jars of different candies in a certain order then you can scoot aside a certain shelf which leads to a certain set of stairs that have to be stepped on in a certain manner (skipping certain ones) to provide access to a combination lock that opens the door to the underground pope suite.

Kat: From being an internet pesonality you found out about David Bowie’s wife’s real name and their thirteenth floor suite, the DJ suite (for david and jen–her real name) which has a fancy bathroom comparable to the Pope’s suite, AND that they love spices and store then in another apartment in central Manhattan?

Me: Again, the DJ suite is much better. And oh NO. I know much more than THAT!

Kat: So let me ask you… their suite is in UPTOWN Manhattan. The W hotel is in central Manhattan.

Me: The uptown suite is a vacation home. They mainly use it for their pets. They also have a little cabin in the Bronx

Kat: …what pets, David is allergic to everything

Me: Kat, Kat, Kat! They have all sorts of medicines for that. Treatments! (But, quite honestly- David hates the pets. Jen’s just obsessed with them and he does it to keep her happy. He surprised her with the uptown suite with full amenities for the critters as an anniversary gift back in ’99. Isn’t that sweet of him?!?)

Kat: ….I can’t breathe… laughing

Me: Why are you laughing?

Kat: You’re funny?

Me: What do you mean? OH. You don’t think I’m serious!

Kat: No.

Me: Well then! I guess you DON’T deserve a 13th floor guest pass for your birthday.

Kat: I don’t celebrate my birthday though.

Me: Me: Well, too bad.

Kat: I think Bowie’s still on drugs. Nutmeg is a hallucinogen.

Me: Oh, Jen always locks up the nutmeg cabinet. He had a few fallouts with that a few years ago. It’s been voice-activated ever since.

The rest of the chat was a bit too graphic to include. (I also think that this post has gone on quite long. Long enough.) Thank you all for reading, and I’ll be back with another, chatlog-less post soon.